Have you been hearing the question: Are we at some kind of tipping point? It is like a dam breaking under excessive pressure built up from behind. Woman after woman have been telling stories of sexual harassment.
However, there is some risk here. Not to the women who have come forward. The risk is over-smplifying a complex topic.
I went for lunch yesterday at a family restaurant. While I waited for food, I listened to the words of the music blaring in the background. And I was glad I did not have to explain the meanings of sexual innuendoes in most of the pieces to a child.
When I was growing up, Elvis Presley had burst upon the scene - at the same time our small Midwestern town first "got TV." My parents would not let me watch him on TV because of his hip movements. They would turn off the TV or hustle me out of eyesight. What did I know of hip movements?!
Now when I watch TV, I am glad my daughters are grown and I don't have to explain male-female behavior to a ten year old. Or set limits on what clothing is acceptable or unacceptable to wear.
No, I am not a prude or uptight about sexual imagery. I am aware of changes in acceptability over the decades - and how sexuality is interwoven in our music, our TV shows, our attire, and our humor. Further, we all have our unique cultural history and set of values.
We are priveleged to live in multi-diverse communities. Even in my small town so long ago, what was acceptable sexual behavior varied considerably. The seventy-something married doctor who treated my mother in her last years was running around with a forty year old nurse. And it was common knowledge that he was doing so all around town. Not okay by my standards, but my mother choose to overlook his behavior rather than be disloyal and see another doctor.
So the question we all face is where is that line - since my line and your line likely differ. A hug or embrace from a friend - regardless of gender? A kiss? A hand on the knee? Or more overt sexual behavior in public or outside of marriage?
When we move beyond our community of friends and others who generally share our values, it get more complicated. Although not sexual behavior, I remember being instructed that when I was in Thailand, sitting as to show the bottom of one's shoes was terribly insulting. While today, Minnesotans grieve the death of one of its elder statesmen - who had a habit of sitting with his feet up on his desk when his shoes often had holes in the soles.
I would wager that we don't even have agreed-upon definitions regarding inexcusable sexual behavior, except at the extreme ends. Yes, most of us would say that rape is not acceptable - whether the recipient is female or male. Ask a varied group of people to define sexual harassment and you will get a varied set of definitions (It is not gender-based work discrimination - though in today's discussions it has sometimes times accompanied with sexual harassment. Or saying that a person will know it is sexual harassment when it happens, goes back to where is the line? Or when does feeling disrespect cross over into sexual harassment?
Sometimes the issue is misuse of power over another person. It may occur when the person with power does not realize when the line has been crossed into harassment. Sometimes is is coupled with physical power - men generally being stronger or bigger than women. I once taught a class regarding group process in which a very handsome, tall man's goal was to learn how to not be the assumed leader the minute he walked into the room. Whereas a petite woman in the class wanted to learn how to be heard. At other times, power over another can be deliberately and intentionally misused.
Yes, there are predatory individuals. The kind of person many women avoid being alone with. However, none of us can quickly and always identify such a person - because these persons are usually very skilled at courting someone into unacceptable behavior.
Yes, there often are no consequences for unacceptable behavior. And women often have not been heard or taken seriously. But the reverse is equally no solution - when women are believed 100% without any evidence that unjustifiable behavior has occurred. Nor is self-labeling sexual harassment as victimization a healing solution. Seeing oneself as a lifelong victim is not the path to genuine self-respect.
I have heard the phrase, are we at some kind of tipping point, a number of times in our recent discussions about sexual harassment. If that means we are at a new place in the cultural treatment of women, I am whole heartedly cheering - as are many of my male friends. If it means tipping the balance to favor women over men, I have two thumbs downward. I remember too well when my graduate school advisor said: I don't know why you are here anyway. You will never get a job when you are finished, when I was in the process of shifting into another department that was a better fit for my interests. Certainly gender discrimination, but not sexual harassment!
I have watched woman flirt with men. And I ask myself where is the line? And I watch men who are disrespectful of women. I certainly don't want to live in a culture where everyone erases any acknowledgment of our rich and essential sexuality. What we do need is honest discussion of our personal and work relationships that move us toward a new and healthier place.
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