Responsibility to
yourself means refusing
to let others do your thinking, talking, and naming for
you...
It means that we insist on a life of meaningful work.
It means,
therefore, the courage to be "different"
— Adrienne Rich
The first problem for all of us, men and women,
is not to learn, but to unlearn.
— Gloria Steinem
Well-behaved women seldom make history.
— Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
All cultures change over time. Today, increasingly frequent
change has become the “new normal.” We may be nostalgic for how things “used to
be” – and wish for those times when our lives seemed as stable as the regular
changing of the seasons. Now, as weather patterns are changing, we can’t even
count on seasonal cycles to be predictable!
It is easy to name big changes that have happened during our
lives. “Techno-tools” give us instant connection with the entire world.
Legislation has diminished many discriminatory practices. Increasingly
multi-diverse populations have become the norm in many towns and cities. There
have been changes in political alliances with other countries. Roles of men and
women have become more fluid. Increased travel beyond local communities has
changed our perspective of the world. Complex wars can no longer be thought of
as the good guys against the bad guys. The list of changes is long.
Such major shifts have altered what it means to live in
today’s world. These big changes impact our personal daily lives in a multitude
of ways. When we search for explanations that create cultural changes, we tend
to externalize beyond our individual selves and attribute the power to alter
society to world leaders, celebrities, or other prominent people. However, we
ordinary people contribute to change as well - often being unaware that we are
doing so.
The other day our Ethiopian neighbor was talking with my
husband. My husband asked him if they were having a party at his house because
of all the cars. No, no, our neighbor
said, the women are cooking and they
shooed me out of the house. In our culture, only the women cook. When I first
came here before my wife, I learned to cook, but she doesn’t know that I can
cook . . .
When my husband related their conversation to me, he was laughing and shaking his head
over this cultural difference. That is until I reminded him that he didn’t
begin to learn to cook either until 15 years ago!
Both of us grew up a culture that was just as traditional as
our neighbor’s culture. I remember one Tuesday morning when I was fifteen. My
mother carefully was ironing my father’s weekly supply of white shirts. While
she ironed, she instructed me in what it meant to be a woman. I still remember
her words - the finest thing a woman
could do with her life was to bring out the best in her husband.
In the fifties, the era in which I was raised, roles were
clearly defined for both men and women. I thoroughly was schooled to assume my role. My place was in the home. And my husband would work hard as the sole
support of his family.
Among the many rules that I learned, was that a proper woman
wore white shoes only between Memorial Day and Labor Day. The correct shoes
were to be accompanied by those blessed white gloves! Now, have you ever tried
to turn pages of a hymnal during a small town’s obligatory Sunday worship - while wearing white gloves?
I tried very hard to be a good traditional wife and mother.
Picking up my children’s toys when strewn from one end of the house to the
other. Religiously studying Better Homes
and Gardens when it came in the
mail every month - its decorating tips and delicious recipes to be tried out on
my family. Canning tomatoes and pickles for long winter months. Sewing clothes
for my children and myself. I even tried my hand at making ties for my
hard-working husband.
However, invention of permanent press meant I did not need
to iron white shirts every Tuesday, just as my mother did. A dishwasher took
over the task of washing dishes. Laundry went from washer to dryer – not hung
on clotheslines. My assigned life-long role of mother and housewife began to
fray around the edges.
When my second child went to nursery school (which my
brother-in-law declared an unnecessary waste of money), it was only me all
morning long in a silent house. What would my life be like when they were in
school all day, with my husband putting in long hours at work? I did the math
- my mother had “lied” to me about this life-long calling as wife
and mother! When I would be only forty-three years old, both of my children
would have graduated from high school. Then
whatever would I do every day for the rest of my life?
When I graduated from college, I married my childhood
sweetheart. I gave up any dreams of going to graduate school – the only purpose
for that college degree was that it would be there “in case something happened”
to my husband, like a savings account for life’s unplanned emergencies.
When I thought of this second half of my life, I cautiously
resurrected my forbidden dream. My children would be well established in grade
school and have their own activities when I finished graduate school. Was it
possible that I could have my own
profession, raise my children, and support my husband’s career goals?
Off came those miserable white gloves. I tossed them in the
trash! I was determined to create a life my mother could not comprehend.
The year I arrived at graduate school, women were burning
their bras in protest of something I did not understand. Why ever would they do such a strange thing?
I had been too busy being a wife and mother that I did not have time to read The Feminine Mystique, published a few
years earlier. I just did not want to be bored with the rest of my life – not
become part of some movement.
My naïveté was soon challenged when I discovered that being
admitted to graduate school was no guarantee I would be able to get a job in my
chosen profession. And I learned how many “mothers” in my culture still
subscribed to the definition of roles from the long past fifties. They were
joined by a strong male contingent – determined to insure the world remained a
man’s world.
It has been a long journey – one I never could have made
without my beloved husband’s support. Swirling winds of change about both
opportunities and barriers for women deeply affected me. In turn, I contributed
to those changes through my professional work as a psychologist, teaching as
adjunct faculty member at a local seminary, and participating in professional
committees.
Along the way I met many frustrated and angry women. I met
other women working to create change, who said they were breaking down barriers
for their daughters. Change did happen. Women and men gradually had more choices and opportunities during
different stages in their lives about how they could balance relationships,
family, and work.
For myself? I broke rules right and left – sometimes at
considerable personal cost. At times it was hard to stop listening to the small
voice inside of me that said I should be at home, not out in the world.
However, I created a life I never dreamed possible when I was growing up.
Most important, beyond contributing to all these cultural
changes, I was having a wonderful time using my intelligence. I welcomed the
challenges to use gifts with which I was born. I made a difference in people’s
lives through my work. My marriage became a partnership. Together we raised our
children and created a home that we both love.
Today I am using the accumulation of a lifetime of wisdom
that I have been given, to fulfill another “impossible dream” – that of further
exploring my creativity by being a photographer, writer, and poet.
It’s
like having your cake and eating it too!
