Breaking the Rules

Computers are like Old Testament gods;

lots of rules and no mercy.

                              - Joseph Campbell

Integrity has no need of rules

                           - Albert Camus

Hell, there are no rules here -

we are trying to accomplish something.

                                   - Thomas A. Edison

When we are young, we are introduced to the world of civil rules. Like, don’t spit on the sidewalk or on other people. Don’t push everyone out of the way in order to be first in line. Don’t talk with your mouth full or throw food. You know the drill.

When I was in high school, I once babysat three young children. Their regular babysitter wasn’t available, so they called me. I said yes — but when I returned home, I vowed to never again care for these children. I was an old hand at baby-sitting, but I’d never had such an encounter. I still can close my eyes and see three uncontrollable little boys running naked over the furniture, using their little male equipment indiscriminately. And their daddy was a preacher!

It taught me that the other end of the spectrum from rigid, strict discipline was just as damaging as the physical disciplinary methods parents used when I was growing up. Some rules are necessary if we are to live with each other in families and in our communities.

There are other rules we need to learn to function in the adult world. As one of my advisers in grad school put it, showing up on time, respecting your supervisor’s requests, and other such decorum was just as important as learning the latest psychological theories. I don’t know if he thought that this grad student (me), who had been a traditional stay-at-home mom, needed to be coached. So, I didn’t roll my eyes and remind him I’d worked for years at the NIH before having my first child.

However at work, we do differ in terms of a tendency to raise issues or to not ask questions. The world needs people who follow directions. And the world needs people (like me) who are forever asking why. There are two interesting scales on the California Psychological Inventory. One is Achievement via Conformance and the other is Achievement via Independence. You can guess how I scored! Even in high school, I knew that I would not have done well to aspire becoming a secretary, one of the three acceptable occupations for a girl in those days (teaching and nursing being the other two). Being a secretary then meant a lot of yes-sir and no-sir.

Living in Washington DC during the sixties turned my world upside down. At the same time that I kept the rules at work (mostly), I picketed the White House carrying my first-born. And my husband walked in the March on Washington. Rules said that black people were not equal to white folks. But these rules needed to be broken in order for them to be set aside. If there had been no protesters, the status quo would have continued.

Later protests across the country against the Vietnam War meant questioning our government’s decision to engage in this action. A war so unlike the WWII war, which I’d been taught had two clear sides of good and evil. But I'd been taught a version of American history that had no grey areas, only a black-and-white version of how things were in the past. A conformist version of history in which America could do no wrong.

When do you follow the rules and when do you not? There is balance each person needs to decide for themselves. As well as each person deciding how one breaks rules perceived to be unjust, unfair, or just plain wrong.

One of the psychiatrists, who supervised me in my internship, specialized in working with teen-age boys. He taught me an important lesson. If a parent takes on every issue with a teen, they will be engaged in constant warfare — and everyone will lose. Rather, he advocated a parenting approach that meant picking your battles wisely. A clean room may not be worth the energy expended to enforce it!

And don’t go after behavior that you can not effectively counter. For example in today’s world, that means dealing with thorny issues such as children’s access to the Internet ranging from FaceBook, pornography, or violent video games. Issues I never had to face as a parent.

This week the Supreme Court heard two cases relating to gay marriage. No matter what you personally believe about marriage, the current discussion in this country and the resulting legal issues are about whose rules are to be followed. In the second case heard, Federal and state laws had created an entangled mess that cost EdieWindsor more than $363,000 in estate taxes when her partner of forty years died.

And the catch? New York recognizes legal same-sex marriages that are performed elsewhere. Living in New York, the two women married in Toronto, two years before her partner’s death. But the Federal DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) did not recognize their marriage. It meant the IRS could collect estate taxes from Edie that a married person would not have had to pay.

Here is a woman who took her case all the way to the Supreme Court and became a public person challenging legal and cultural rules. For years, Edie was terrified about anyone knowing she was a lesbian. She finally had the courage and support to take this step in her life. Standing in front of the Court at a microphone, she declared who she is to the entire world. Breaking rules of silence and rules about leading hidden lives.

A new Pope has been elected in the Roman Catholic Church. From the moment of his election, Pope Francis has been breaking rules right and left. He got into an actual argument with the man in charge of dressing popes for public appearances — and made his first appearance on the balcony over St. Peter’s Square wearing a simple white cassock. The next morning he slipped out of the Vatican and hailed a cab to go to the place where he had been staying in order to pick up his luggage and pay his bill. Having been in Rome, a city of fast-moving traffic, I love this image! While those security personnel charged with protecting him are fit to be tied.

For some people of course, his rule-breaking is not welcome. Traditionalists are upset because of his movement away from the Latin Mass and all of the pomp that Benedict promoted as ways to return the Catholic Church to pre-Vatican II days. And wouldn’t you like to be a little mouse in the corner at the Vatican, listening to those who love their perks in a Church that has become corrupt at its core.

In this Holy Week, Pope Francis is reminding us of a Jesus who was a rule breaker. The Gospels have a whole string of incidents when the Jewish Jesus broke with the religious rules of his time. It earned him the enmity of those who had the most to lose, until a reluctant Pilate turned Jesus over to be crucified as a common criminal. The inscription said to be on his cross, proclaiming him King of the Jews, could well have said instead: Jesus the Rule-Breaker.

Good luck and prayers, Francis! In a single moment, the last vote that was cast electing him Pope, has the potential for turning the religious world into a power to be reckoned with in a world that is struggling so much with so many crucial issues.

Breaking the rules? I was raised to be an obedient first child. Becoming a writer and a poet — with opinions would not have fit that script. I was supposed to blend in and not call attention to myself. To go on being a good girl.

Some of the rule-breaking in my life has cost me dearly. Other rule-breaking has been a contribution to my daughters, my granddaughter, and other women, who have opportunities I could not have imagined during the first twenty years of my life. And some of my rule-breaking has given me great joy!

My balance between adhering to cultural and legal rules and breaking rules has changed over the years. And the culture I live in has changed. I no longer am consigned to live in my husband’s shadow. I am a person in my own right.

But perhaps the best change of all has not been any conscious decision on my part to break with tradition and custom. Learning to listen to my inner-voice has allowed the mystery of written words to find expression and to speak my truth. But to do that, I first had to break a lot of rules.