Now Where Is That Line Anyway?

Have you been hearing the question: Are we at some kind of tipping point? It is like a dam breaking under excessive pressure built up from behind. Woman after woman have been telling stories of sexual harassment.

However, there is some risk here. Not to the women who have come forward. The risk is over-smplifying a complex topic. 

I went for lunch yesterday at a family restaurant. While I waited for food, I listened to the words of the music blaring in the background. And I was glad I did not have to explain the meanings of sexual innuendoes in most of the pieces to a child.

When I was growing up, Elvis Presley had burst upon the scene - at the same time our small Midwestern town first "got TV."  My parents would not let me watch him on TV because of his hip movements. They would turn off the TV or hustle me out of eyesight. What did I know of hip movements?!

Now when I watch TV, I am glad my daughters are grown and I don't have to explain male-female behavior to  a ten year old. Or set limits on what clothing is acceptable or unacceptable to wear.

No, I am not a prude or uptight about sexual imagery. I am aware of changes in acceptability over the decades - and how sexuality is interwoven in our music, our TV shows, our attire, and our humor. Further, we all have our unique cultural history and set of values.

We are priveleged to live in multi-diverse communities. Even in my small town so long ago, what was acceptable sexual behavior varied considerably. The seventy-something married doctor who treated my mother in her last years was running around with a forty year old nurse. And it was common knowledge that he was doing so all around town. Not okay by my standards, but my mother choose to overlook his behavior rather than be disloyal and see another doctor.

So the question we all face is where is that line - since my line and your line likely differ. A hug or embrace from a friend - regardless of gender? A kiss? A hand on the knee? Or more overt sexual behavior in public or outside of marriage? 

When we move beyond our community of friends and others who generally share our values, it get more complicated.  Although not sexual behavior, I remember being instructed that when I was in Thailand, sitting as to show the bottom of one's shoes was terribly insulting. While today, Minnesotans grieve the death of one of its elder statesmen - who had a habit of sitting with his feet up on his desk when his shoes often had holes in the soles. 

I would wager that we don't even have agreed-upon definitions regarding inexcusable sexual behavior, except at the extreme ends. Yes, most of us would say that rape is not acceptable - whether the recipient is female or male. Ask a varied group of people to define sexual harassment and you will get a varied set of definitions (It is not gender-based work discrimination - though in today's discussions it has sometimes times accompanied  with sexual harassment. Or saying that a person will know it is sexual harassment when it happens, goes back to where is the line? Or when does feeling disrespect cross over into sexual harassment?

Sometimes the issue is misuse of power over another person. It may occur when the person with power does not realize when the line has been crossed into harassment. Sometimes is is coupled with physical power - men generally being stronger or bigger than women. I once taught a class regarding group process in which a very handsome, tall man's goal was to learn how to not be the assumed leader the minute he walked into the room. Whereas a petite woman in the class wanted to learn how to be heard. At other times, power over another can be deliberately and intentionally misused. 

Yes, there are predatory individuals. The kind of person many women avoid being alone with. However, none of us can quickly and always identify such a person - because these persons are usually very skilled at courting someone into unacceptable behavior. 

Yes, there often are no consequences for unacceptable behavior. And women often have not been heard or taken seriously. But the reverse is equally no solution - when women are believed 100% without any evidence that unjustifiable behavior has occurred.  Nor is self-labeling sexual harassment     as victimization a healing solution. Seeing oneself as a lifelong victim is not the path to genuine self-respect.

I have heard the phrase, are we at some kind of tipping point, a number of times in our recent discussions about sexual harassment. If that means we are at a new place in the cultural treatment of women, I am whole heartedly cheering - as are many of my male friends. If it means tipping the balance to favor women over men, I have two thumbs downward. I remember too well when my graduate school advisor said: I don't know why you are here anyway. You will never get a job when you  are finished, when I was in the process of shifting into another department that was a better fit for my interests.  Certainly gender discrimination, but not sexual harassment!

I have watched woman flirt with men. And I ask myself where is the line? And I watch men who are disrespectful of women. I certainly don't want to live in a culture where everyone erases any acknowledgment of our rich and essential sexuality. What we do need is honest discussion of our personal and work relationships that move us toward a new and healthier place.

Where To Plant That Tree?

The Orkneys lie due north of Scotland, small islands scattered across the sea. It is the kind of place where neighbors look out for one another. Leaving their houses unlocked in case a neighbor needs to borrow a cup of sugar and they aren't there. 

For a time, their young people left for college and did not return. Because of connections via the internet. young adults now are returning and the population is increasing.  It is a good place to live and to raise children - with accessibility to the global world just a click of a computer key. It is like "having your cake and eating it too." 

The largest island, Mainland, is an archeologist's dream, sometimes called the Egypt of the North. The downside is the winter wind, limiting research to the summer months!  The mysterious Ring of Brodgar, a large ring of tall standing stones, is older than Stonehenge. And ruins of early dwellings indicate that the Orkneys have been continuously occupied since Neolithic times.

It is hard to determine where to plant a tree with the wind continuously scouring the rocky land. But  contemporary inhabitants have devised an ingenious method. In autumn a farmer will walk the land with a supply of sticks about a meter long and red strips of cloth. When the farmer finds a likely place, the  farmer drives a stake into the ground and ties a red flag on it.  

In the spring, the farmer will again walk the land. Some stakes will have been completely blown away and no sign of them remains. Others will have survived - a bit tattered but still there. It is these places where a tree has a chance to survive until it is large enough to challenge the wind.

There is a metaphor for all of us from these remote islands. So much needs to be done in our country and world today. One person can't do it all. Thus, we have to pick and choose where to spend our energy. We need to walk our land and plant stakes with red flags and see which ones survive the turmoil.

Is it climate change that you feel passion about? Sexual harassment? The many refugee crises? A Congress which seems incapable of constructive action? Tax reform? Care of neglected and abused senior citizens in nursing homes? Racial prejudice and bias? Dialogue among religions? Educational inequality? The proliferation of automatic weapons?

Are you free to travel to other countries? Or are you limited to your immediate community because of work or financial constraints? Do you have health issues that limit your energy?  Do you want to provide an intense effort for short periods of time - or do you want to do something at a slower and continuous pace? Or both?

Now about those stakes with red flags.

As you read this essay, are you saying to yourself that you are only one person and thus can't make any difference? Then remember the election this past week. Lots of persons turned out to vote and the result is change across the country.

Pound in your stakes. See which one's get blown away by winter wind - and which ones remain. Those are your best places to make your voice heard!

Go plant your trees!